Releasing the EGO

For the (possibly) first time in my life I have been listening to an expert (my running coach) and I have been easing my way back into my running routine slowly, which has triggered my delightful ego. 

This ego, maybe I shall call her Cruella, has had some not so kind words for me as I return to running after a meniscus tear repair surgery a few months ago. This morning she critiqued my breathing, the other day she mocked me for walking, and she is definitely feeling feisty about the weight gain post procedure.

The result of her malicious ministrations? A cranky Achilles tendon, tight jaw, and an underlying sense of inferiority and hopelessness. After all, I should be about to ramp up my mileage and begin my marathon training block. Instead, I am relegated to 30 minutes of run / walk intervals three days a week (a perfectly respectable place to be). It is not my body that will take me out, it is that pesky, judgemental, Default Mode Network within my brain, where my sense of self (ego) resides. 

Seventeenth century philosopher Rene Descartes is famous for penning the phrase “cogito, ergo sum,” or “I think, therefore, I am,” which, on the surface, makes sense. Yes, because I am thinking it means that I am real, I am here, my mind works, therefore my body exists on this plane. Yet this does not take into effect the connection between our mind and our emotional lives, with our corporeal bodies. How do we feel physical pain while we are experiencing emotional pain? 

Freud took up the question, and counteracted Descartes’ argument with his own, that our unconscious thoughts as well as our emotions, would cause physical symptoms.  Who hasn’t experienced a headache caused by stress, that stress which releases cortisol into the system, weakening our immune system and causing a myriad of other problems. 

Modern neuroscientists have discovered the Somato-Cognitive Action Network which is a link between our minds and bodies within our brain. No longer a separate entity, (sorry Descartes) our minds hold sway over our physical selves, therefore in order to heal our physical bodies we must also heal our emotional, thinking, Cruella-like selves. 

Those with chronic pain can also tie their physical pain with emotional pain and stress as the areas of the brain that process emotions and pain are in the same region.  That tendinopathy that has been plaguing me for years, might not be merely a weak or angry tendon, but my brain’s way of keeping me safe, by limiting my mobility. That safety keeps me small, and maybe keeps me from being judged by others as I do not have to reach my full potential. 

I cannot merely cut Cruella off, nor can I invoke the spirit of Glinda the Good Witch for my alter ego. I need a balance, an ego who nurtures without coddling, who is patient but not impulsive. I need to tap into the wise coach within, the persona who values health but takes on challenges, the gentle guide who is accepting without judgement. I need to ask for help, be kind to myself, and be honest about my recovery moving forward. 

Gone are the days of back to back marathons and extended running streaks; I hope that in this training season I can find compassion for my body as well as my ego, so that I can run through the streets of NYC relatively prepared and pain-free.