Post-surgical blues in C Minor

“My body is a tender thing and she forgave me for not trusting her.” Nell Diamond from The Book of Alchemy: A Creative Practice for an Inspiring Life by Suleika Jaouad

I am recovering from arthroscopic surgery to fix a medial meniscus tear. The pain had exceeded my capacity, finally, after years of pushing through various injuries, I succumbed to the ravages of age and years of running with inadequate time for recovery. 

I had been constantly battling fatigue and pain, trying new extraneous recovery modalities, each arriving with excess packaging, each tool utilized regularly in earnest, from red light therapy to muscle scrapers, foam rollers and Tens, to icing and taping, new shoes and strength training. I bought into the “work harder push more” mindset.

Maybe I was punishing my body for not being enough: too fat, too skinny, too tired, too flexible, too slow, too fast, too pretty, too ugly. Or maybe I was not fulfilling society’s expectations of a “productive” member, my creativity and desires escaped from the carefully constructed box I felt myself slowly being pushed into. 

I did not follow the carefully laid path gleaming in the distance, calling to me to join the collective, provided by the inherent patriarchy. I did not attend college at the right time, took control of my reproductive organs and birthed a child when I wanted to, that baby whose only job was to love me unconditionally.  But unconditional love is too much to ask from anyone, especially a child. 

What I know now, that I did not know then, was that I first needed to experience self-love, before asking it of others. Just existing in this world is a reason for love, for engaging in loving practices to care for the body, the mind, and the spirit. 

Today my injured knee is swaddled in an ice pack, elevated and still; I am resting, caring for my surgical wounds. I am allowing myself the time and space to recover, despite my desire to rebound and sprint full speed ahead. I am trusting my body to forgive me, and I am trusting myself to allow my body ample time to heal and regain strength, so that we can leap into the future with healthier ideals, aware of my limits but willing to push them reasonably.