They came out of nowhere, those pesky “shoulds.” The heat and humidity broke today, and I woke up with a plan. We are 15 weeks and 3 days away from the TCS NYC Marathon, a race I train for and “run” each year. Training began in earnest last week after building a solid base, a few ten mile long runs sprinkled in over the past month or so. Now I begin to build, increasing mileage each week. Summer training “should” be easy as I am unemployed during the summers, yet I forget each year how humidity zaps the energy from the body, and how the bugs descend, making even the easiest of runs bloody hell. I love being warm, but those days that I cannot pull on my leggings are not the happiest. But not today. Today was glorious, the breeze rustled the trees, the bugs were absent (probably off having tea somewhere), the dew point only hovered around 60 and the humidity was low for the area. I set out after eating my trusty graham crackers and hooking up my canine training companion, for an easy 6 mile run. The route was planned, and I was ready to go with Susie Chan’s 80’s playlist in my ears and my bouncy running shoes on my feet. I made it a mile before my body crashed. I do not know why, maybe it was poor sleep quality, not enough hydration the day before, perimenopause, latent anxiety, no matter the reason I attempted to push forward. My dog kept going, my body just needed to walk. It was too perfect a day to lose mileage. I “should” be able to complete this run I have done countless other times, in worse conditions. I made it home, half of the workout complete, frustrated, irritated, annihilated by the “shoulds” divebombing. Hours later I still do not know what happened. Perhaps my body just needed a rest day, perhaps my mind got in the way.

Over the past few days I have been listening to speakers discuss different forms of meditation during the Art of Meditation Global Summit , seven days of speakers and guided meditation for free. One of the speakers today, Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche spoke of the importance of being consistent in one’s practice, to be present of the mind of now-ness, and to always be kind to yourself. He said, “when genuine compassion arises in your hear, tit is so powerful.” He was not only speaking of compassion towards others, but one’s self. The lesson for me today, I believe, is to catch myself in these moments, when my ego berates my body for a less than stellar performance. Sure this training is important so that I do not hit an even bigger wall on November 3, but it is my play with consistency, with engaging in daily practices that allow me to move freely in this world, and mostly emanating kindness towards others that are the pillars I would like to stand on. Today’s run wasn’t about the 6 miles to build my base so that I can run 26.2 in 15 weeks. It was about having an open mind, accepting myself, loving myself enough to be present and take some added rest time. Can I let it go now? Only time will tell.