Laura Smith Writer

Fighting with God: Round Two, Tea Time

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I had a dream last night, where I sat in front of a machine that doled out coins, one at a time, in a slow methodical fashion. I sometimes feel that the Universe does this to me, doling out what I need, one thing at a time, never an outpouring, just a coin here and a coin there. Of course this is not the way the Universe works. There is an infinite abundance out there waiting for me, infinite love, security, laughter, and as Mike Dooley would say, possibilities. The problem dear reader is what is always is, me. M. E. Somehow, at some point I convinced myself that I was only worthy of just a little, a trickle, so that is what I receive. And when I ask for help, I only ask for just enough, just a bit. Now I have done enough work on myself to know that I am a child of God, that I am worthy of plugging into the power of the Universe. But today I overslept, I forgot to eat until 2pm and was unable to take my stress relieving six mile run per usual. It is freezing rain outside and I am “trapped” at home with me, myself and I (and a surly teenager). I have no boyfriend next to me to reassure me that I am worthy, I am a grown up so my parents aren’t going to come into my room with milk and cookies and kind words. It is just us, me, myself and God. God, the one who I am mad at, again, although today the anger has softened at the edges. I have seven cents in my pocket and an almost empty oil tank. I have one semester of school to go until I am employable. If I am to pull through this I better have God, because, I know, from past experiences that when I turn my will and life over to my God, the pieces of my life fall into place. I just happen to be trying to jam the wrong piece into a jigsaw and getting frustrated when it doesn’t fit. Again I need to out down the boxing gloves and do the next right thing. I will email, yet again the woman at the fuel assistance office. I will write another blog post, start my homework, peek at my resume and scrape off my car. I will fill my belly with food and light a fire in the fireplace, and I will connect with God. I will steep myself in God’s love, I will leave the teabag in, just for today, because I am worth it. And tomorrow I will set my alarm and start again.

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● About Me

I wrote and published my first blog post on May 26, 2009. I was about to turn 36 and had been accepted to Mount Holyoke College as a non-traditional student, on my way to completing a Bachelor of Arts in English with a minor in Medieval Studies. I had managed, finally, to know what general direction I was traveling. As a self proclaimed voracious reader I knew that I needed a vocation that would allow me to engage daily with words: reading words, writing words, and hearing words. I also needed to eat, so I navigated my way to a teaching position and I began to fine tune my craft. I love to teach and I love my students, but I also needed to continue to hone my own literary technique, voice, and style. I continued my education in order to delve deeper into literature, making connections, and most definitely, writing. I gained more confidence as a reader as well as a writer of both creative and analytical text. That first blog post in 2009 is short, the writing average, and the topic mundane, but as I continued to learn from other writers I began to understand that to become a better writer I needed to write more. Each time I write and release a poem, a post, or a story, I hone my skills. I invite you along for the ride, for this journey of mine as I attempt to wrangle a wealth of ideas and competing directions into an organized freshly paved path to publication. I might get distracted along the way, but sometimes those detours lead us to amazing views and new friends. 

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